Up to speed

Man, I haven't even checked this thing out in a while. I probably should more often. It's good to get things off the chest. (I got a pain in my shest, and I can Breef).

I guess the biggest concern right now is the fact that I'm trying to buy a house. I can't seem to get that sumbitch bought. Bank is jerking me around. I need more money they say. I think I need a different bank. Oh well, it will all work out. I really want to get it bought before Turkey season starts, so I can finally bag me one. I'm pretty pumped about it. I really wish that I could get out and go fishing more, but I've been working so much and trying to buy this house that it's not really conducive to fishing.

Well, until next time bitches!

It's Been Awhile

Actually, a pretty decent song by Staind. I liked it a little in college. Anyway, lots been going on. I'm a little more stable now. I'm still a little at odds with the female situation, but I have a better outlook on it. I still feel so helpless though. I wish I could meet another great girl to take my mind off of Jennifer, but I'm in a small town, and the pickin's are pretty slim.

Anyway, short and sweet, I'll discuss more at a later time.

So lost

I'm so lost right now. I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on her, but I don't know what she wants. I don't know that she will ever want it to work out. I'm going to quit being a pussy and keep trying. No matter how much it hurts, and no matter how much my affection is not matched, I'm going to soldier on.

That's what I need to do. I need to be a fighter. Nobody ever got anywhere by giving up. Fuck that, I'm staying the course. It's early in the game. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon.

OUT!

Taking it for Granted

All the little things are what keep bothering me. I miss the little things that we used to share. I wish that I could rewind us. I know that we can't, and now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. It doesn't seem to be working. I get more and more discouraged everyday. I am getting better at the things that I'm bad at. Drinking, emotional availability and reflection are a few. I am certainly thinking more about things. I think that before I was so emotionally detached that it was difficult for her to know what was going on in my head. Hell, most of the time I was clueless too. I want to share every thought that I have with her. It just sucks that we had to break up for me to realize all of this. It sucks that I've hurt her so much in the past. So much that we are probably too far gone now. At this point in my life I don't want anything except to be happy with her again. I want to make up for all of the pain that I caused her. I wish she could ball of it up and give it to me. In a way I guess that she is. I have a hard time knowing if she is just being hesitant, or if she has already made up her mind that we will never get back together.

I have a long hard road ahead of me. It's heartbreak like I've never experienced. For the first time in my life, I want this relationship to work out. I know that we could be extremely happy again, if she would just give me one more chance. I hate that I've shot myself in the foot already. I can't take anything back, but I just hope that I can convince her that I'm a different person. I want to be a better person because of her. I want to be able to be the man that she loves, now and forever.

Well, tomorrow is another day, and I will try again to convince her of my true feelings for her.

I guess

Well, I think that this evening I'm sort of come to grips that things aren't going to work out. It sucks my balls, but hey, life goes on I suppose. A few reasons:

1. She got out of bed yesterday, left, got on an airplane, flew to Memphis, and just sent me a text message. I called her twice before I went to bed, AND sent her a txt.
2. I stopped by to see her at her house on my way to work, and she said, "aren't you going to be late for work?"
3. I was talking to her on the phone at about 7:45pm, and I had just asked her a question, when she said, "my sister is calling, I'll talk to you later, bye".

Man, I sound pretty pathetic. Not sure how I made it to this level of pussy-dom, but I have.

Like I said, I'm not giving up anyway. This morning, I'm going to take her breakfast, then I will make her a lunch, and pick up her dog. Hopefully she'll let me go to her house this evening. She probably will, and then say, "Leave me the FUCK alone, you crazy bastard!" Then I will go home, put in a snooter, kill some people on MKA and go to bed.

Waving Goodbye

I can't get this image out of my head:

I'm leaning against a railing on a long pier. The water is very calm outward, and the situation behind me is very violent and nasty. I don't want to look back there. I can feel it breathing down my neck, in a rage that's quiet now, but will be unbearable once it reaches me. I'm reaching out my arms in front of me, hard, almost tearing them out of place, in a desperate attempt to board the last and only ship around. At first, the place I came from was nice and pleasant, but as I stayed there longer and longer, it began to brew and bubble and burn. When I decided to venture there, I knew there was a ship that would have let me aboard, gladly, however, I'd never been to this type of place before and wanted to get there badly. I let that ship go. At first the water was calm but dreary, definitely not as good as the place I was going. Then things got brighter for the ship, and my world wasn't so bad either. Plenty of things to do, and no time to do them all.

After a hard day's having fun, and finally getting a chance to sit under a tree to reflect on the day's, and week's, and month's activities, I realized that there was no one to listen to all the wonderful things that I'd been doing. I sort of shrugged it off, and kept going, but always at the end of the day there was no one to share it with.

Then one day, as I was sitting under a tree reflecting on my day's activities, I noticed a dark cloud coming over the horizon. I was able to turn the other way and forget about it for awhile, keeping my attention turned to all the fun things I was doing. That dark cloud rolled and mutated, and blistered and burned all of the trees I had sat under, and got closer, hotter. I continued to ignore it, finding the last tree around. I sat under it, and realized that I'd made it back to where I'd come from. It was then that I noticed there were no more ships around. Only one. Just far enough that I couldn't tell if it was still there or not. As my heart lit up, and I felt like I finally found someone who would like me to tell them everything I'd done, and everything I would ever do, and who would tell me everything they'd done, and everything they'd do, I yelled and screamed and jumped up and down with joy. I yelled as loud as I could, and jumped as high as my legs would allow. I was totally and utterly consumed by the fact that I'd finally realized where I was meant to be.

The boat heard me, and turned around, but only came about 3/5 of the way back to shore to pick me up. We talked about things we'd done, and places we'd been. We both remembered what it was like to ride around together, and all of the fun that we had in each other's presence.

Then, I heard a crack of lightning behind me, which snapped me back to reality. The lightning reminded the ship of all the times that I didn't want to be with it, and all the times that I didn't want to tell it about my day. It reminded it of the last time we were together and I said I didn't want to float away forever, that I wouldn't enjoy it, when there was all of this other stuff to do on land.

I turned to look behind me, and the fire and rain, and bloody piss and stink and rot were getting closer. I pleaded with the ship to let me on, and take me away with it. I told it I didn't care where it took me, just as long as we were together. The ship stayed exactly 3/5 of the way back to me.

Then, just as I could feel the fire behind me, getting warmer and warmer and hotter and hotter, the ship turned around, and sailed into the horizon. Blue skies and birds and light breezes and sun surrounded it. I just watched and smiled and cried, as barely I felt the intense heat begin to burn the back of my legs and arms. It was numb though, because the burning of my heart was so much more intense and terrible.

Can Not Believe

I can not believe this shit. I've never felt this much anxiety in my body at one time. I'm at the point where either I hope she calls me first thing in the morning, or never talks to me again. I'm usually super duper laid back, but this is literally giving me an ulcer, I can feel my stomach lining beginning to erode. The 10 chocolate bars I had today probably didn't help the situation any. Why can't I just let it go, and let things work out how they're going to work out, instead of building up all of this anxiety in my gut.

I'm now just waiting on my relief. I'm going to do 45 minutes on the elliptical, and do some abs and lower back. Then, I'm going home, letting in/out Jasmine, and getting a freakin' hog leg of snooter.

Go to bed. Rinse. Repeat.