Actually, a pretty decent song by Staind. I liked it a little in college. Anyway, lots been going on. I'm a little more stable now. I'm still a little at odds with the female situation, but I have a better outlook on it. I still feel so helpless though. I wish I could meet another great girl to take my mind off of Jennifer, but I'm in a small town, and the pickin's are pretty slim.
Anyway, short and sweet, I'll discuss more at a later time.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
So lost
I'm so lost right now. I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on her, but I don't know what she wants. I don't know that she will ever want it to work out. I'm going to quit being a pussy and keep trying. No matter how much it hurts, and no matter how much my affection is not matched, I'm going to soldier on.
That's what I need to do. I need to be a fighter. Nobody ever got anywhere by giving up. Fuck that, I'm staying the course. It's early in the game. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon.
OUT!
That's what I need to do. I need to be a fighter. Nobody ever got anywhere by giving up. Fuck that, I'm staying the course. It's early in the game. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon.
OUT!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Taking it for Granted
All the little things are what keep bothering me. I miss the little things that we used to share. I wish that I could rewind us. I know that we can't, and now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. It doesn't seem to be working. I get more and more discouraged everyday. I am getting better at the things that I'm bad at. Drinking, emotional availability and reflection are a few. I am certainly thinking more about things. I think that before I was so emotionally detached that it was difficult for her to know what was going on in my head. Hell, most of the time I was clueless too. I want to share every thought that I have with her. It just sucks that we had to break up for me to realize all of this. It sucks that I've hurt her so much in the past. So much that we are probably too far gone now. At this point in my life I don't want anything except to be happy with her again. I want to make up for all of the pain that I caused her. I wish she could ball of it up and give it to me. In a way I guess that she is. I have a hard time knowing if she is just being hesitant, or if she has already made up her mind that we will never get back together.
I have a long hard road ahead of me. It's heartbreak like I've never experienced. For the first time in my life, I want this relationship to work out. I know that we could be extremely happy again, if she would just give me one more chance. I hate that I've shot myself in the foot already. I can't take anything back, but I just hope that I can convince her that I'm a different person. I want to be a better person because of her. I want to be able to be the man that she loves, now and forever.
Well, tomorrow is another day, and I will try again to convince her of my true feelings for her.
I have a long hard road ahead of me. It's heartbreak like I've never experienced. For the first time in my life, I want this relationship to work out. I know that we could be extremely happy again, if she would just give me one more chance. I hate that I've shot myself in the foot already. I can't take anything back, but I just hope that I can convince her that I'm a different person. I want to be a better person because of her. I want to be able to be the man that she loves, now and forever.
Well, tomorrow is another day, and I will try again to convince her of my true feelings for her.
Monday, July 2, 2007
I guess
Well, I think that this evening I'm sort of come to grips that things aren't going to work out. It sucks my balls, but hey, life goes on I suppose. A few reasons:
- She got out of bed yesterday, left, got on an airplane, flew to Memphis, and just sent me a text message. I called her twice before I went to bed, AND sent her a txt.
- I stopped by to see her at her house on my way to work, and she said, "aren't you going to be late for work?"
- I was talking to her on the phone at about 7:45pm, and I had just asked her a question, when she said, "my sister is calling, I'll talk to you later, bye".
Man, I sound pretty pathetic. Not sure how I made it to this level of pussy-dom, but I have.
Like I said, I'm not giving up anyway. This morning, I'm going to take her breakfast, then I will make her a lunch, and pick up her dog. Hopefully she'll let me go to her house this evening. She probably will, and then say, "Leave me the FUCK alone, you crazy bastard!" Then I will go home, put in a snooter, kill some people on MKA and go to bed.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Waving Goodbye
I can't get this image out of my head:
I'm leaning against a railing on a long pier. The water is very calm outward, and the situation behind me is very violent and nasty. I don't want to look back there. I can feel it breathing down my neck, in a rage that's quiet now, but will be unbearable once it reaches me. I'm reaching out my arms in front of me, hard, almost tearing them out of place, in a desperate attempt to board the last and only ship around. At first, the place I came from was nice and pleasant, but as I stayed there longer and longer, it began to brew and bubble and burn. When I decided to venture there, I knew there was a ship that would have let me aboard, gladly, however, I'd never been to this type of place before and wanted to get there badly. I let that ship go. At first the water was calm but dreary, definitely not as good as the place I was going. Then things got brighter for the ship, and my world wasn't so bad either. Plenty of things to do, and no time to do them all.
After a hard day's having fun, and finally getting a chance to sit under a tree to reflect on the day's, and week's, and month's activities, I realized that there was no one to listen to all the wonderful things that I'd been doing. I sort of shrugged it off, and kept going, but always at the end of the day there was no one to share it with.
Then one day, as I was sitting under a tree reflecting on my day's activities, I noticed a dark cloud coming over the horizon. I was able to turn the other way and forget about it for awhile, keeping my attention turned to all the fun things I was doing. That dark cloud rolled and mutated, and blistered and burned all of the trees I had sat under, and got closer, hotter. I continued to ignore it, finding the last tree around. I sat under it, and realized that I'd made it back to where I'd come from. It was then that I noticed there were no more ships around. Only one. Just far enough that I couldn't tell if it was still there or not. As my heart lit up, and I felt like I finally found someone who would like me to tell them everything I'd done, and everything I would ever do, and who would tell me everything they'd done, and everything they'd do, I yelled and screamed and jumped up and down with joy. I yelled as loud as I could, and jumped as high as my legs would allow. I was totally and utterly consumed by the fact that I'd finally realized where I was meant to be.
The boat heard me, and turned around, but only came about 3/5 of the way back to shore to pick me up. We talked about things we'd done, and places we'd been. We both remembered what it was like to ride around together, and all of the fun that we had in each other's presence.
Then, I heard a crack of lightning behind me, which snapped me back to reality. The lightning reminded the ship of all the times that I didn't want to be with it, and all the times that I didn't want to tell it about my day. It reminded it of the last time we were together and I said I didn't want to float away forever, that I wouldn't enjoy it, when there was all of this other stuff to do on land.
I turned to look behind me, and the fire and rain, and bloody piss and stink and rot were getting closer. I pleaded with the ship to let me on, and take me away with it. I told it I didn't care where it took me, just as long as we were together. The ship stayed exactly 3/5 of the way back to me.
Then, just as I could feel the fire behind me, getting warmer and warmer and hotter and hotter, the ship turned around, and sailed into the horizon. Blue skies and birds and light breezes and sun surrounded it. I just watched and smiled and cried, as barely I felt the intense heat begin to burn the back of my legs and arms. It was numb though, because the burning of my heart was so much more intense and terrible.
I'm leaning against a railing on a long pier. The water is very calm outward, and the situation behind me is very violent and nasty. I don't want to look back there. I can feel it breathing down my neck, in a rage that's quiet now, but will be unbearable once it reaches me. I'm reaching out my arms in front of me, hard, almost tearing them out of place, in a desperate attempt to board the last and only ship around. At first, the place I came from was nice and pleasant, but as I stayed there longer and longer, it began to brew and bubble and burn. When I decided to venture there, I knew there was a ship that would have let me aboard, gladly, however, I'd never been to this type of place before and wanted to get there badly. I let that ship go. At first the water was calm but dreary, definitely not as good as the place I was going. Then things got brighter for the ship, and my world wasn't so bad either. Plenty of things to do, and no time to do them all.
After a hard day's having fun, and finally getting a chance to sit under a tree to reflect on the day's, and week's, and month's activities, I realized that there was no one to listen to all the wonderful things that I'd been doing. I sort of shrugged it off, and kept going, but always at the end of the day there was no one to share it with.
Then one day, as I was sitting under a tree reflecting on my day's activities, I noticed a dark cloud coming over the horizon. I was able to turn the other way and forget about it for awhile, keeping my attention turned to all the fun things I was doing. That dark cloud rolled and mutated, and blistered and burned all of the trees I had sat under, and got closer, hotter. I continued to ignore it, finding the last tree around. I sat under it, and realized that I'd made it back to where I'd come from. It was then that I noticed there were no more ships around. Only one. Just far enough that I couldn't tell if it was still there or not. As my heart lit up, and I felt like I finally found someone who would like me to tell them everything I'd done, and everything I would ever do, and who would tell me everything they'd done, and everything they'd do, I yelled and screamed and jumped up and down with joy. I yelled as loud as I could, and jumped as high as my legs would allow. I was totally and utterly consumed by the fact that I'd finally realized where I was meant to be.
The boat heard me, and turned around, but only came about 3/5 of the way back to shore to pick me up. We talked about things we'd done, and places we'd been. We both remembered what it was like to ride around together, and all of the fun that we had in each other's presence.
Then, I heard a crack of lightning behind me, which snapped me back to reality. The lightning reminded the ship of all the times that I didn't want to be with it, and all the times that I didn't want to tell it about my day. It reminded it of the last time we were together and I said I didn't want to float away forever, that I wouldn't enjoy it, when there was all of this other stuff to do on land.
I turned to look behind me, and the fire and rain, and bloody piss and stink and rot were getting closer. I pleaded with the ship to let me on, and take me away with it. I told it I didn't care where it took me, just as long as we were together. The ship stayed exactly 3/5 of the way back to me.
Then, just as I could feel the fire behind me, getting warmer and warmer and hotter and hotter, the ship turned around, and sailed into the horizon. Blue skies and birds and light breezes and sun surrounded it. I just watched and smiled and cried, as barely I felt the intense heat begin to burn the back of my legs and arms. It was numb though, because the burning of my heart was so much more intense and terrible.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Can Not Believe
I can not believe this shit. I've never felt this much anxiety in my body at one time. I'm at the point where either I hope she calls me first thing in the morning, or never talks to me again. I'm usually super duper laid back, but this is literally giving me an ulcer, I can feel my stomach lining beginning to erode. The 10 chocolate bars I had today probably didn't help the situation any. Why can't I just let it go, and let things work out how they're going to work out, instead of building up all of this anxiety in my gut.
I'm now just waiting on my relief. I'm going to do 45 minutes on the elliptical, and do some abs and lower back. Then, I'm going home, letting in/out Jasmine, and getting a freakin' hog leg of snooter.
Go to bed. Rinse. Repeat.
I'm now just waiting on my relief. I'm going to do 45 minutes on the elliptical, and do some abs and lower back. Then, I'm going home, letting in/out Jasmine, and getting a freakin' hog leg of snooter.
Go to bed. Rinse. Repeat.
Strangest
I don't understand this shit. I'm freakin' out. I can't concentrate. It's only been 9.5 hours since I last talked to her. Why am I so fucking worried about all this. I think the biggest thing is that I'm afraid that I'm going to end up alone. I wonder if subconsciencely I know that I'm a big piece of deuce, and I'm never going to find a decent girl to settle down with. In my reality, though, that's not true. The truth is, I love this girl, and want to spend all my time with her. I love talking to her. I love seeing her, even if it's just for a moment.
FUCK. SHIT ASS. DAMN IT. SONOFA BITCH!!!!
I still have like 3 hours until I can go workout. I hope it goes by fast. I need to go talk to some people. Hopefully some meaningless banter will take my mind off of things.
CRANK!
FUCK. SHIT ASS. DAMN IT. SONOFA BITCH!!!!
I still have like 3 hours until I can go workout. I hope it goes by fast. I need to go talk to some people. Hopefully some meaningless banter will take my mind off of things.
CRANK!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Can't Work.
I have like 4 things that I really need to get done tonight, but I can't stop thinking about her. Damn it. Why can't I get her out of my head?
I wish I was off of work already, so that I could go work out, jam the new White Stripes, Icky Thump (Rag and Bone is frickin' sweet), go home, throw in a snooter, play some MK Armageddon, and go to bed. Then, get up and repeat 2X. She's not going to be home until Sunday night, and I have a sickening feeling in my stomach that I'm not going to get to hear from her again until then.
I'm starting to feel like a stalker. I text messaged her 3X tonight, and called and left a brief voicemail. Although, when I spoke with her earlier she said that her phone was about to die, and that she may not be able to get it charged tonight.
Oh well, seriously, this is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm acting like such a douche bag.
Uh, uh, uh, uh,....Damn it! I can't stop thinking about her. This Frickin' Blows my balls!
I wish I was off of work already, so that I could go work out, jam the new White Stripes, Icky Thump (Rag and Bone is frickin' sweet), go home, throw in a snooter, play some MK Armageddon, and go to bed. Then, get up and repeat 2X. She's not going to be home until Sunday night, and I have a sickening feeling in my stomach that I'm not going to get to hear from her again until then.
I'm starting to feel like a stalker. I text messaged her 3X tonight, and called and left a brief voicemail. Although, when I spoke with her earlier she said that her phone was about to die, and that she may not be able to get it charged tonight.
Oh well, seriously, this is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm acting like such a douche bag.
Uh, uh, uh, uh,....Damn it! I can't stop thinking about her. This Frickin' Blows my balls!
Monday, June 25, 2007
You'll never be lonely if you can just learn to stand yourself.
I haven't had this feeling in my stomach in a while. The last time I did, it was over the same girl. I started the morning out feeling like I somewhat knew what I wanted. I was building a revival of a relationship up in my head, and the naivity of a perfect resolution misled me. Rather it misled my heart. I can really only remember two other times feeling this way. The other was in the 5th grade when my girlfriend at the time cheated on me. The other was when the girl I dated last decided to end our exclusive relationship for an "open" one. I guess it was the competitive nature of my soul that really did me in. I still love her dearly. I know that I always will.
Jennifer's birthday was today, and we've been broken up for about 3 months now. It was easy up until about a week ago. Actually I guess a little less than that. I've been staying extremely busy, barely having time to take care of anything. That's really kept my mind off of things, but the reality of the situation has really hit hard this morning. I was going to go work out, you know, for my physical health, but what are we without our mental health. So, I decided to write about it all, in hopes of it making me feel better. My stomach is still in knots right now.
Anyway, her birthday is today. I have to work tonight, otherwise I was going to take her out to dinner to celebrate. I decided to take her out tomorrow night instead. I went to her desk over the weekend and put post-it notes all over her desk, just telling her happy birthday. I just didn't want her to feel like I didn't remember. It was more than that to me though. The more and more I thought about it, the more I wanted her to be happy, and was hoping that I could bring even the smallest smile to her beautiful face. I haven't told her how gorgeous she is in a long time. We had a rough time during our last few months together. I became more and more distant I suppose. I guess it was because I wanted some autonomy. Well, I got that. However, at the end of the day, and at the end of all these activities, I still want to share them with her.
I was telling her something to this effect this morning, and she said that the someone I wanted to share these moments with was not her. I made the mistake of thinking that I couldn't ever be truly happy with her.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to this morning. I went out and got her some small presents yesterday morning, because I wanted to leave them at her desk when she got there today. I got her a dvd and some chocolate hugs and kisses. The kisses had peanut butter in them, her favorite. Then, I went and bought her breakfast after I got off of work this morning to take to her, because she gets around about the time I get off. Well, when I walked into her apartment, I noticed some empty beer bottles. She doesn't drink beer. I asked her about them, and she said that a guy had been over there. This is when the sickening feeling in my stomach came out. I hate that feeling. Disappointment to the nth degree. I really wanted to leave right then, but she wouldn't let me without explaining how I was feeling. I automatically assumed she was having sex with this guy. I guess it's just jealousy, but it hurts really bad to think that she is with someone else. I know that I don't have any right to be upset about it, but I am. We're not together, so she didn't do anything wrong. That doesn't help the sting, or stomach pains that I'm feeling right at this very moment.
Sex was a big issue for us. We sort of stopped having sex about 3 months before we broke up. I had a really bad habit of watching internet porn and masturbating. I think that this severely damaged our relationship. Actually I know it did. She found out, while she was looking at my computer. I know that it hurt her very badly, because she felt like it was something that was wrong with her, but it wasn't her at all. It was me. I have a very addictive personality. That was one thing, and alcohol was certainly another. Both were poisons for our relationship, and will continue to poison any relationship that I will ever be in. I see that, and I need to stop them both. I've tried, and have not been able to. I was certainly better at stopping with her as my motivation.
I used to get annoyed with her when she would bring these things up. I'm so stupid. I know that she wasn't trying to change me, just so I would be more in love her, she was trying to change me because she loves me, and doesn't want me to hurt myself. I'm just a selfish, spoiled person, and typically only think of myself. I want to feel good all of the time. Even if it's at the expense of others feelings. I hate that about myself. I don't feel good right now.
I was picking the weeds out of my shrubbery bed on Friday night, and really wanted to call her, to see if she wanted to help, but I didn't want to seem like I was just patronizing her. So I didn't call her. Then when I went inside, I was feeling like I just wanted to sit around and watch a few movies because I had to go to work in the morning. It was at that moment that I wished that I still had her in my life. We always had a great time just laying around watching movies together. We always had a great time doing a lot of things. Unless we were fighting, which is typical of any couple I suppose.
I'm pretty sure that I've fucked all of it for me, and that I've probably sent her too far away to ever hope of getting her back. She understood me, and understood my problems. She loved me for who I was. I love her for who she is. We complement each other very well.
She's thinking of moving away. She's actually set some wheels in motion to do that very thing. I don't want her to go. I don't know if I'll find anyone that I could be as happy with. I told her the exact opposite of this a few months ago. That I felt like we would never get married, and that's why I wanted to break it off, but I think that I just needed a wake up call. I think I got that call this morning and over the past few days. How can you be so hurt by something, and not be deeply in love? It's still hurting right now. I don't want her to be with anyone else. I don't want her to share any of her love with anyone else but me and Ali.
I guess it says something about my personality, but I haven't felt this lonely in my whole life. I don't know how to express how empty I'm feeling right now. I just wish that I could convince her to give me one more chance. I haven't ever cheated on her, or anything like that. I did however tell her that I didn't think that it would work out in the long run. I think that's bullshit now. I need her. I love everything about her. I love the way that she cares about me, and how she wants me to be happy. I love the way that she looks at me. I love the way that I feel when we're together. I love how she wanted to spend all of her vacations with me. I was retarded, absolutely retarded to not want to go to the Bahamas with her. I would go right now if I could. I don't ever want her to go on a vacation without me again. I don't think that I could be happy with anyone else. I don't want to even try. How can I do this? How can I convince her that I now think that we could be happy together? If she would give me just one more chance, I think that she would see that I love her dearly, and don't ever want to be apart again. Ideally, things would work out, and I could use this feeling in my stomach as a learning experience. I would have learned that I AM in love with her, and I don't ever want to feel this way again. I want all of her love to come to me. I want to shower her with affection and my love. I know we were very happy once, and I think that we could be again. Oh, if she would give me just one more chance. Please. I will never watch another second of internet porn. I will save myself for her, and her alone. I would move to wherever she wanted to go. I could find a job, I'm sure of that. I would rather live in a smaller town, but I know that she wants to live in a city. That's fine. I'm willing to do that. I would take every piece of constructive criticism that she had for me, and happily abide. I will give her back massages whenever she wanted them. I would wash her car for her, and wipe all of the water spots off of her wheels. I would set up a special vacation fund so that I would be sure to have enough money to take her somewhere SHE wanted to go. I would help her with anything she ever needed. I would tell her she looks beautiful every chance I got. I would hold her hand ALL the time, and open her door for her every time we got in the car. I would go shopping with her, and help her pick out cute outfits, and swim suits. I would buy her lingerie and admire her beautiful body when she wore them. I would do all of things that I took for granted when I had her. I would share my thoughts with her. I would not keep any secrets. I would tell her how gorgeous she was when she wore her hair up. I would never drink to excess ever again. I would never neglect her when all of my friends were around. I would never take anything for granted. I would talk to her family when we went and visited, and not just watch TV. I would help her cook dinner, and not just go into the other room and watch TV. I would let her listen to the type of music that she liked. I would give her dog a bath when she asked me too, and brush his hair. I would read books on relationships. I would play dirty darts every night. I would never yell at her when we were having a fight. I would have fights and talk things out, instead of just clamming up. I would share every emotion that I have with her. I will go to Club 609 whenever we were in Joplin. I would look at her like she was a present that I just couldn't wait to open. I would go home with her for Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and her sister's graduation. I would train for a 5k. I would get a bike, so that we could take rides on warm days. I would water my flowers, or our flowers.
I feel a little better about the situation now, knowing that I have some sort of direction now. I have just sort of been floating around without her, lost. Now I'm found. This morning was my wake up call. Take care of us. That's what I need to do. I can't fill this void with anything except her. There's not anything or anyone that can make me feel the way that she does.
I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I can say that the pain I'm feeling right this second will be 100 fold if it doesn't work out for us.
I'm sorry for taking you for granted when I had you. Now that I don't, I realize what a horrible mistake that was. I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy. I want US to be happy together. I hope that I can convey this message to you when I see you tomorrow night. I hope that you can see that I've made a terrible mistake. I'm really scared right now. I'm scared that I've already pushed you too far away. I'm scared that we won't resolve this, and you'll move away, and I'll always wonder what could have been. I'm sorry that there were times that I made you cry. I wish like hell I could take all of those times back. I wish like hell that I'd realized then how happy I was.
I hope that you'll hear me with an open heart, and open mind. I hope that I can show you how much I really truly deeply love you. There's always going to be a place for you in my heart. It's empty right now. My heart is in pieces without you. I hate that I can't ever express how I'm feeling in person. I always lock up. I hope I don't lock up when we get to talk about it tomorrow night. I hope it's not too late to pick up where we left off, and take our relationship to a level that neither of us have been before. I want to explore that uncharted territory with you. I want it to be new and exciting for both us.
I'm starting to feel better now. I can't wait to see you, and hug you, and kiss you, and tell you how special you are to me. I can't wait to look into your eyes like I used to, your big brown beautiful eyes. I will never take your eyes for granted ever again. Every time I look into them, I feel like I'm completed. God, it felt so good to give you a hug this morning. It felt like coming home.
Jennifer's birthday was today, and we've been broken up for about 3 months now. It was easy up until about a week ago. Actually I guess a little less than that. I've been staying extremely busy, barely having time to take care of anything. That's really kept my mind off of things, but the reality of the situation has really hit hard this morning. I was going to go work out, you know, for my physical health, but what are we without our mental health. So, I decided to write about it all, in hopes of it making me feel better. My stomach is still in knots right now.
Anyway, her birthday is today. I have to work tonight, otherwise I was going to take her out to dinner to celebrate. I decided to take her out tomorrow night instead. I went to her desk over the weekend and put post-it notes all over her desk, just telling her happy birthday. I just didn't want her to feel like I didn't remember. It was more than that to me though. The more and more I thought about it, the more I wanted her to be happy, and was hoping that I could bring even the smallest smile to her beautiful face. I haven't told her how gorgeous she is in a long time. We had a rough time during our last few months together. I became more and more distant I suppose. I guess it was because I wanted some autonomy. Well, I got that. However, at the end of the day, and at the end of all these activities, I still want to share them with her.
I was telling her something to this effect this morning, and she said that the someone I wanted to share these moments with was not her. I made the mistake of thinking that I couldn't ever be truly happy with her.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to this morning. I went out and got her some small presents yesterday morning, because I wanted to leave them at her desk when she got there today. I got her a dvd and some chocolate hugs and kisses. The kisses had peanut butter in them, her favorite. Then, I went and bought her breakfast after I got off of work this morning to take to her, because she gets around about the time I get off. Well, when I walked into her apartment, I noticed some empty beer bottles. She doesn't drink beer. I asked her about them, and she said that a guy had been over there. This is when the sickening feeling in my stomach came out. I hate that feeling. Disappointment to the nth degree. I really wanted to leave right then, but she wouldn't let me without explaining how I was feeling. I automatically assumed she was having sex with this guy. I guess it's just jealousy, but it hurts really bad to think that she is with someone else. I know that I don't have any right to be upset about it, but I am. We're not together, so she didn't do anything wrong. That doesn't help the sting, or stomach pains that I'm feeling right at this very moment.
Sex was a big issue for us. We sort of stopped having sex about 3 months before we broke up. I had a really bad habit of watching internet porn and masturbating. I think that this severely damaged our relationship. Actually I know it did. She found out, while she was looking at my computer. I know that it hurt her very badly, because she felt like it was something that was wrong with her, but it wasn't her at all. It was me. I have a very addictive personality. That was one thing, and alcohol was certainly another. Both were poisons for our relationship, and will continue to poison any relationship that I will ever be in. I see that, and I need to stop them both. I've tried, and have not been able to. I was certainly better at stopping with her as my motivation.
I used to get annoyed with her when she would bring these things up. I'm so stupid. I know that she wasn't trying to change me, just so I would be more in love her, she was trying to change me because she loves me, and doesn't want me to hurt myself. I'm just a selfish, spoiled person, and typically only think of myself. I want to feel good all of the time. Even if it's at the expense of others feelings. I hate that about myself. I don't feel good right now.
I was picking the weeds out of my shrubbery bed on Friday night, and really wanted to call her, to see if she wanted to help, but I didn't want to seem like I was just patronizing her. So I didn't call her. Then when I went inside, I was feeling like I just wanted to sit around and watch a few movies because I had to go to work in the morning. It was at that moment that I wished that I still had her in my life. We always had a great time just laying around watching movies together. We always had a great time doing a lot of things. Unless we were fighting, which is typical of any couple I suppose.
I'm pretty sure that I've fucked all of it for me, and that I've probably sent her too far away to ever hope of getting her back. She understood me, and understood my problems. She loved me for who I was. I love her for who she is. We complement each other very well.
She's thinking of moving away. She's actually set some wheels in motion to do that very thing. I don't want her to go. I don't know if I'll find anyone that I could be as happy with. I told her the exact opposite of this a few months ago. That I felt like we would never get married, and that's why I wanted to break it off, but I think that I just needed a wake up call. I think I got that call this morning and over the past few days. How can you be so hurt by something, and not be deeply in love? It's still hurting right now. I don't want her to be with anyone else. I don't want her to share any of her love with anyone else but me and Ali.
I guess it says something about my personality, but I haven't felt this lonely in my whole life. I don't know how to express how empty I'm feeling right now. I just wish that I could convince her to give me one more chance. I haven't ever cheated on her, or anything like that. I did however tell her that I didn't think that it would work out in the long run. I think that's bullshit now. I need her. I love everything about her. I love the way that she cares about me, and how she wants me to be happy. I love the way that she looks at me. I love the way that I feel when we're together. I love how she wanted to spend all of her vacations with me. I was retarded, absolutely retarded to not want to go to the Bahamas with her. I would go right now if I could. I don't ever want her to go on a vacation without me again. I don't think that I could be happy with anyone else. I don't want to even try. How can I do this? How can I convince her that I now think that we could be happy together? If she would give me just one more chance, I think that she would see that I love her dearly, and don't ever want to be apart again. Ideally, things would work out, and I could use this feeling in my stomach as a learning experience. I would have learned that I AM in love with her, and I don't ever want to feel this way again. I want all of her love to come to me. I want to shower her with affection and my love. I know we were very happy once, and I think that we could be again. Oh, if she would give me just one more chance. Please. I will never watch another second of internet porn. I will save myself for her, and her alone. I would move to wherever she wanted to go. I could find a job, I'm sure of that. I would rather live in a smaller town, but I know that she wants to live in a city. That's fine. I'm willing to do that. I would take every piece of constructive criticism that she had for me, and happily abide. I will give her back massages whenever she wanted them. I would wash her car for her, and wipe all of the water spots off of her wheels. I would set up a special vacation fund so that I would be sure to have enough money to take her somewhere SHE wanted to go. I would help her with anything she ever needed. I would tell her she looks beautiful every chance I got. I would hold her hand ALL the time, and open her door for her every time we got in the car. I would go shopping with her, and help her pick out cute outfits, and swim suits. I would buy her lingerie and admire her beautiful body when she wore them. I would do all of things that I took for granted when I had her. I would share my thoughts with her. I would not keep any secrets. I would tell her how gorgeous she was when she wore her hair up. I would never drink to excess ever again. I would never neglect her when all of my friends were around. I would never take anything for granted. I would talk to her family when we went and visited, and not just watch TV. I would help her cook dinner, and not just go into the other room and watch TV. I would let her listen to the type of music that she liked. I would give her dog a bath when she asked me too, and brush his hair. I would read books on relationships. I would play dirty darts every night. I would never yell at her when we were having a fight. I would have fights and talk things out, instead of just clamming up. I would share every emotion that I have with her. I will go to Club 609 whenever we were in Joplin. I would look at her like she was a present that I just couldn't wait to open. I would go home with her for Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and her sister's graduation. I would train for a 5k. I would get a bike, so that we could take rides on warm days. I would water my flowers, or our flowers.
I feel a little better about the situation now, knowing that I have some sort of direction now. I have just sort of been floating around without her, lost. Now I'm found. This morning was my wake up call. Take care of us. That's what I need to do. I can't fill this void with anything except her. There's not anything or anyone that can make me feel the way that she does.
I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I can say that the pain I'm feeling right this second will be 100 fold if it doesn't work out for us.
I'm sorry for taking you for granted when I had you. Now that I don't, I realize what a horrible mistake that was. I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy. I want US to be happy together. I hope that I can convey this message to you when I see you tomorrow night. I hope that you can see that I've made a terrible mistake. I'm really scared right now. I'm scared that I've already pushed you too far away. I'm scared that we won't resolve this, and you'll move away, and I'll always wonder what could have been. I'm sorry that there were times that I made you cry. I wish like hell I could take all of those times back. I wish like hell that I'd realized then how happy I was.
I hope that you'll hear me with an open heart, and open mind. I hope that I can show you how much I really truly deeply love you. There's always going to be a place for you in my heart. It's empty right now. My heart is in pieces without you. I hate that I can't ever express how I'm feeling in person. I always lock up. I hope I don't lock up when we get to talk about it tomorrow night. I hope it's not too late to pick up where we left off, and take our relationship to a level that neither of us have been before. I want to explore that uncharted territory with you. I want it to be new and exciting for both us.
I'm starting to feel better now. I can't wait to see you, and hug you, and kiss you, and tell you how special you are to me. I can't wait to look into your eyes like I used to, your big brown beautiful eyes. I will never take your eyes for granted ever again. Every time I look into them, I feel like I'm completed. God, it felt so good to give you a hug this morning. It felt like coming home.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Different but Cool
Well, my dirt bike ended up being a little different than I thought it was going to be, but it's still pretty cool. I think that I'm going to sell it soon though, because it's just not what I'm looking for. I really want a two-stroke. They are just more mean than 4-strokes. Don't get me wrong, it's a REALLY nice bike. It's a 2004, and I think that it only has 67 original miles on it. I got a heckuva deal on it. I want "FASTER", "HARDER", "MORE CHANCES TO BREAK MY ARM".
I'm listening to Jenny Lewis with The Watson Twins Rabbit Fur Coat, right now. It's pretty somber so far, without really listening closely. I'm really in the mood for some hard, or punk rawk. Maybe some Lil' Wayne. I can't listen too long though because I have to freakin' work in the morning. Freakin' Crank! I'm tired of working.
Blow Harder!
I'm listening to Jenny Lewis with The Watson Twins Rabbit Fur Coat, right now. It's pretty somber so far, without really listening closely. I'm really in the mood for some hard, or punk rawk. Maybe some Lil' Wayne. I can't listen too long though because I have to freakin' work in the morning. Freakin' Crank! I'm tired of working.
Blow Harder!
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
New Bike
Buying a new dirt bike tomorrow. My buddy Eli is going to buy me a $3000 dirt bike. It's gonna be freakin' sweet ass, a KTM 450 EXC.
I had a pretty bad day at work today. Lot of shit going on. However, I was impressed with my demeanor, because I didn't let a damn bit of it get to me. Always kept a smile on my face. Pretty awesome if you ask me, because I think a lot of people would have buckled under the pressure. I guess that's the sign that I was born to lead. I'm the type of guy that leads by example. I'm not a great speech-type motivator; just a "nothing gets me down" type of leader.
Dream two nights ago:
I wanted to write about it yesterday, but I didn't have time.
Preface: I had a fiance about 1.5 yrs ago. I'm no longer in love with her, but I think we all always have a special place in our hearts for those types of loves. We broke it off for reasons that were justifiable.
Anyway, dream started with me walking in a downtown area alone. Walking up and down the street. I walked by an arcade area, where there were quite a few people. I noticed some girls, but didn't really pay them much notice, trying to be suave I suppose. Walked to the end of the street, and decided to turn around and see the whole scene again. Once I got to the arcade area again, I happened to glance in the direction of the two girls that I noticed earlier. Took them in for a second, and continued to walk. After I got about 10 steps passed them, I was processing their images in my mind to determine if they were familiar to me, and realized that one of them was Marion, my ex-fiance. Right as I came to the realization, I turned around, just in time to see her jumping towards me. She fell right into my arms, and tackled me to the ground. She was sitting on top of me, looking into my eyes with her big brown beautiful peepers, and I said, "I've missed you SO much baby!" And that's exactly how I felt throughout my body. Well, about that time I woke up. I was like "Shit, I haven't thought about her for about 2 weeks." We proceeded to give each other of the deepest kisses that I've ever had. We told each other that we missed each other immensely, and that we loved one another still, after all this time.
Then, it got weird, because she got up and sort of followed the group that she was with. I followed them too. It almost seemed that she was WITH one of the guys in the group. We followed as a group for awhile. The situation became more and more like we were not getting back together. Our sudden burst of excitement was gone and reality, and all of the love, and shit, and bad feelings came rushing back. The group ended up leaving together, and I was stuck on a bus trying to get back to where I'd come from. I made it back, and then it was time to wake up. I actually woke up at that point.
I'm not sure where this dream came from, but I do know that I still miss that girl. I still wonder how things would have been if we had stayed together. I don't think about her as much as I used to anymore. I think the focus has turned from Jennifer, and my mind is just wandering.
I hope my bike is sweet. I'm actually thinking that I might make $1500 off of selling it. We'll see.
Tonight I'm thinking of you Marion! I hope everything is going well for you. I'm sorry that I treated you like shit. Maybe one day, you will forgive me.
I haven't spoken to her in 1.5 yrs. Whenever I hear "Two Years This Month" by The Good Life, I always think that I'm going to call her in December this year, and all of our problems are going to be forgotten and we are going to start fresh, and be happy together, forever. You know, like it should be. I know that's not true now.
Anyway, need to go to bed. Have a good night!
OUT
I had a pretty bad day at work today. Lot of shit going on. However, I was impressed with my demeanor, because I didn't let a damn bit of it get to me. Always kept a smile on my face. Pretty awesome if you ask me, because I think a lot of people would have buckled under the pressure. I guess that's the sign that I was born to lead. I'm the type of guy that leads by example. I'm not a great speech-type motivator; just a "nothing gets me down" type of leader.
Dream two nights ago:
I wanted to write about it yesterday, but I didn't have time.
Preface: I had a fiance about 1.5 yrs ago. I'm no longer in love with her, but I think we all always have a special place in our hearts for those types of loves. We broke it off for reasons that were justifiable.
Anyway, dream started with me walking in a downtown area alone. Walking up and down the street. I walked by an arcade area, where there were quite a few people. I noticed some girls, but didn't really pay them much notice, trying to be suave I suppose. Walked to the end of the street, and decided to turn around and see the whole scene again. Once I got to the arcade area again, I happened to glance in the direction of the two girls that I noticed earlier. Took them in for a second, and continued to walk. After I got about 10 steps passed them, I was processing their images in my mind to determine if they were familiar to me, and realized that one of them was Marion, my ex-fiance. Right as I came to the realization, I turned around, just in time to see her jumping towards me. She fell right into my arms, and tackled me to the ground. She was sitting on top of me, looking into my eyes with her big brown beautiful peepers, and I said, "I've missed you SO much baby!" And that's exactly how I felt throughout my body. Well, about that time I woke up. I was like "Shit, I haven't thought about her for about 2 weeks." We proceeded to give each other of the deepest kisses that I've ever had. We told each other that we missed each other immensely, and that we loved one another still, after all this time.
Then, it got weird, because she got up and sort of followed the group that she was with. I followed them too. It almost seemed that she was WITH one of the guys in the group. We followed as a group for awhile. The situation became more and more like we were not getting back together. Our sudden burst of excitement was gone and reality, and all of the love, and shit, and bad feelings came rushing back. The group ended up leaving together, and I was stuck on a bus trying to get back to where I'd come from. I made it back, and then it was time to wake up. I actually woke up at that point.
I'm not sure where this dream came from, but I do know that I still miss that girl. I still wonder how things would have been if we had stayed together. I don't think about her as much as I used to anymore. I think the focus has turned from Jennifer, and my mind is just wandering.
I hope my bike is sweet. I'm actually thinking that I might make $1500 off of selling it. We'll see.
Tonight I'm thinking of you Marion! I hope everything is going well for you. I'm sorry that I treated you like shit. Maybe one day, you will forgive me.
I haven't spoken to her in 1.5 yrs. Whenever I hear "Two Years This Month" by The Good Life, I always think that I'm going to call her in December this year, and all of our problems are going to be forgotten and we are going to start fresh, and be happy together, forever. You know, like it should be. I know that's not true now.
Anyway, need to go to bed. Have a good night!
OUT
Monday, June 4, 2007
You have got to check this out!
Probably the funniest commercial I've ever seen. I think that I've watched it like 50 times.
These aren't your dad's puns, these are energy puns...TURBOPUNS!
http://www.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=1641b0bb8e3c2b2e7523
These aren't your dad's puns, these are energy puns...TURBOPUNS!
http://www.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=1641b0bb8e3c2b2e7523
Tired
I'm pretty tired right now. Went and rode my dirt bike today. Took it off some sweet jumps. Came home, took a power nap, and then went and golfed. Drank some beers. Saw my sister and nephew, and now I need to go sleep.
I have 7 12 hr shifts in a row that face me. I'm already tired now, and I will be freaking drained by next tuesday, that's when I get on a jet plane and head to the big apple. It's going to rock. I need it. I need a vacation, and I think I'm going to get my fill.
I got a fever, and the only prescription is...More Cowbell!
OUT
I have 7 12 hr shifts in a row that face me. I'm already tired now, and I will be freaking drained by next tuesday, that's when I get on a jet plane and head to the big apple. It's going to rock. I need it. I need a vacation, and I think I'm going to get my fill.
I got a fever, and the only prescription is...More Cowbell!
OUT
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Option 1
Went with option 1. Now it's 1:30, and I am probably going to get about 5.5 hrs of sleep. Oh well. Movie was pretty kick ass. I liked the dual perspective ending, macabre for some characters but elation for others. Very Nice!
Quick, 30 minutes to decide, what do I do?
Well, a little foreward on the situation. I get tomorrow off. I'm working right now, until 11:00, and tomorrow is mine. However, then I have to work7 days in a row. Doesn't seem like a huge deal, but believe me, when you're working 12 hour shifts, it pretty much consumes your life. Then, try to squeeze in a softball game or two. Yeah, pretty much just sleeping and working.
So, tomorrow, no work, but I already have plans that will pretty much fill up my day. Dirt bike riding in the morning (around 8am), perhaps will work on my street bike, if the manual gets here, then I have to golf in a golf league event night thing, that will be followed by gorging myself on undercooked steak (my favorite, bloodier the better), and copious amounts of beer. Also, would like to squeeze in a workout, and deperately need to mow the lawn (well, I could do it Tuesday after work.....).
Basically my options tonight are shown in this list:
So, tomorrow, no work, but I already have plans that will pretty much fill up my day. Dirt bike riding in the morning (around 8am), perhaps will work on my street bike, if the manual gets here, then I have to golf in a golf league event night thing, that will be followed by gorging myself on undercooked steak (my favorite, bloodier the better), and copious amounts of beer. Also, would like to squeeze in a workout, and deperately need to mow the lawn (well, I could do it Tuesday after work.....).
Basically my options tonight are shown in this list:
- Go home, watch Pan's Labrynth (sp?), which I'm about 1/5 of the way through, drink 3 beers, have a pinch of snuff, and then go to bed at about 1:30am, giving me 6.5 hours of sleep. (Also, I should note that I've been up for 29 hours at the time of these words)
- Go home, go straight to bed, gt about 8.5 hrs sleep.
- Go over to my ex-girlfriend's house, whom I saw a movie with this afternoon, and then commenced to mess around with afterwards before I came back into work, which will actually guarantee that I will get out of bed in the morning after anywhere from 7.5 - 3.5 (depending on our hormones) hrs of sleep. (I say "guarantee" because I'm a heavy sleeper and I've been known to, on several occasions, oversleep and stand my buddies up, which is always a possibility, moreso with option 1 than options 2 or 3).
Anyway, I now have 19 minutes to figure it out.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Saturday Memorial Weekend
Awesome. I have to work tonight. The Saturday of Memorial Weekend, and all of my friends are out hanging out. Got some friends in Vegas. Wish I was there. I think this is all supposed to be worth it. I gave up a day job, that I took for granted while working it. I'm trying to get a better job, and at this point I'm paying my dues. There's a better job at my plant that just came open, but I've only been in my current job about 10 months, so I don't think that I'll even get considered for it. Which sucks, because the next opening probably won't be for awhile. At least I get Memorial day off. I think I'm going to go and spend the day at my sister's house. She lives in town. I don't get over there enough. They have a new kid, my nephew Jacob. He's a cool kid. I've been working so much lately that I try to squeeze in all of my other current hobbies, and don't really have time to go over there. That should change during July and August.
I need to get my motorcycle running. It's in the shop right now, well at my buddies house. I need to buy some parts for it. These gas prices are realling hitting my bottom line.
Current hobbies that are taking up my time:
1. Working out. I'm currently at 15.8% body fat, and would like to get down to 10%. It's been really hard. I've made it down from about 24%, but can't seem to get over this plateau. It's mainly because I don't do enough cardio, but I don't want to lose muscle tone, so continue to focus on lifting weights more. I need to do more circuit routines.
2. Dirt bike riding. One of my new buddies from work got me into this, and I'm glad that he did, because it's a blast. I bought a Honda XR200R. I've been riding for about a month, and I think that I'm almost ready for a little meaner bike. Just got to find the money.
3. Softball. I really like playing softball, and winning. I get kind of down when we lose, and it's only recreational, sucky softball. I hate losing. I hate being mediocre at anything. If I know I'm not going to win, it's almost not even worth it to try and play. I like the challenge, but not when the odds are lop sided.
Well, got to go and get ready to do my part for corporate america.
Holla at you tomorrow.
I need to get my motorcycle running. It's in the shop right now, well at my buddies house. I need to buy some parts for it. These gas prices are realling hitting my bottom line.
Current hobbies that are taking up my time:
1. Working out. I'm currently at 15.8% body fat, and would like to get down to 10%. It's been really hard. I've made it down from about 24%, but can't seem to get over this plateau. It's mainly because I don't do enough cardio, but I don't want to lose muscle tone, so continue to focus on lifting weights more. I need to do more circuit routines.
2. Dirt bike riding. One of my new buddies from work got me into this, and I'm glad that he did, because it's a blast. I bought a Honda XR200R. I've been riding for about a month, and I think that I'm almost ready for a little meaner bike. Just got to find the money.
3. Softball. I really like playing softball, and winning. I get kind of down when we lose, and it's only recreational, sucky softball. I hate losing. I hate being mediocre at anything. If I know I'm not going to win, it's almost not even worth it to try and play. I like the challenge, but not when the odds are lop sided.
Well, got to go and get ready to do my part for corporate america.
Holla at you tomorrow.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Workin'
About to go to work. Worked out earlier. Was going to go to Wal-Mart, and then locked my keys in the car. Had to pay someone $30 to get it unlocked for me. I should have spent the $1.50 a long time ago, and I wouldn't have had this problem. I will let this be a lesson for future poor planning. Could have made 15 extra key copies. Oh well.
Stomach kind of hurts. Ate a sandwich, protein shake, and about 1.5 oz of dark chocolate. It had pieces of cacao beans in it. Tasty. Got some beer and bloody mary mix. mmm, bloody beers later.
Nothing profound to say today, but that's usually the case.
I've spent the last 1/2 hour trying to find a female private tour guide for my New York trip next month. I think that would be a good money maker. If someone hooked up some good looking ladies to give private tours around the city. That would be sweet. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to go solo on my tours during the day, as my buddy will be working. I need to call him, and see if he knows any hot ladies that will be not working during the day. Fat chance.
Well, I need to hop in the shower so that I can go and be a productive member of society.
Later.
Stomach kind of hurts. Ate a sandwich, protein shake, and about 1.5 oz of dark chocolate. It had pieces of cacao beans in it. Tasty. Got some beer and bloody mary mix. mmm, bloody beers later.
Nothing profound to say today, but that's usually the case.
I've spent the last 1/2 hour trying to find a female private tour guide for my New York trip next month. I think that would be a good money maker. If someone hooked up some good looking ladies to give private tours around the city. That would be sweet. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to go solo on my tours during the day, as my buddy will be working. I need to call him, and see if he knows any hot ladies that will be not working during the day. Fat chance.
Well, I need to hop in the shower so that I can go and be a productive member of society.
Later.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
While I'm at it.
Just killed a brown recluse.
Listening to Cypress Hill's III: Temples of Boom. Reminds me of Teddy Tiger. Don't really miss that guy too much.
Finally getting off. I wish, but I meant I'm going to bed.
Listening to Cypress Hill's III: Temples of Boom. Reminds me of Teddy Tiger. Don't really miss that guy too much.
Finally getting off. I wish, but I meant I'm going to bed.
First Night
I'm getting excited about my trip to NYC. It's certainly been way too long since I've been to see my best friend. We've known each other since the 4th grade. I was trying to tell someone the other day how long we've been best friends, and I think I came to the conclusion that it has been about 16 years. So, the day we met, someone was born that day, and now, they can drive. Kinda crazy, or so it seems to me. I feel old, but I still feel young.
Just rambling. I wish they had spell check on this SOB. Oh wait, just a little more investigation, and....wait for it...there it is. Hopefully I don't have any absurd typos, because that would just be unacceptable. I guess I don't have to be too worried though, because I can take care of business in the spelling department.
Don't really even know where to begin. These thoughts are coming to you straight from my head. Which are exactly how they apppear in my mind's eye. I think that I have ADD. I was never actually diagnosed with it, but I'm almost certain that the majority of my problems have been caused by this self diagnosed affliction.
Wandering mind.
Anyway, about my day. I woke up at 5:45am, well I started to wake up at 5:45am, but actually hit snooze until about 6:10am. This is a typical morning for me. I am absolutely not a morning person. It doesn't really matter how much sleep I get, I can't seem to ever get up on the first sound of the alarm. It's kind of sad, but I can set my clock ahead 15 minutes, and still manage to sleep in. I guess I can't REALLY fool myself in this regard. Rambling again. Got dressed, and went to ERT training for work. It's my day off, which really blows my balls, but it's necessary I suppose. Attended training, poorly organized in my opinion, and got out at about 1. Came home with the ambition of cleaning my house. Yeah, that didn't work out. Ended up taking a well deserved nap before my softball game this evening. We won, and I was satisfied. I like winning. I don't know why, but I hate losing. Especially if it's something that I know I can help win at.
I've had like 30 other random thought tangents that I could have gone on whilst writing that last paragraph.
Jennifer
Work
Playing little league baseball
Playing little league football
Buddy Gouche
Dog Jasmine
Work tomorrow night
Folding Laundry
Listening to newly acquired (already heard most of them) CD's
Wishing I didn't have to go to work tomorrow
Heading to New York
Playing a CD
Well, I guess that I'll call it good for tonight. I'm sure at one point or another I will elaborate on all the thoughts that I just had. Got to go to bed now.
Just rambling. I wish they had spell check on this SOB. Oh wait, just a little more investigation, and....wait for it...there it is. Hopefully I don't have any absurd typos, because that would just be unacceptable. I guess I don't have to be too worried though, because I can take care of business in the spelling department.
Don't really even know where to begin. These thoughts are coming to you straight from my head. Which are exactly how they apppear in my mind's eye. I think that I have ADD. I was never actually diagnosed with it, but I'm almost certain that the majority of my problems have been caused by this self diagnosed affliction.
Wandering mind.
Anyway, about my day. I woke up at 5:45am, well I started to wake up at 5:45am, but actually hit snooze until about 6:10am. This is a typical morning for me. I am absolutely not a morning person. It doesn't really matter how much sleep I get, I can't seem to ever get up on the first sound of the alarm. It's kind of sad, but I can set my clock ahead 15 minutes, and still manage to sleep in. I guess I can't REALLY fool myself in this regard. Rambling again. Got dressed, and went to ERT training for work. It's my day off, which really blows my balls, but it's necessary I suppose. Attended training, poorly organized in my opinion, and got out at about 1. Came home with the ambition of cleaning my house. Yeah, that didn't work out. Ended up taking a well deserved nap before my softball game this evening. We won, and I was satisfied. I like winning. I don't know why, but I hate losing. Especially if it's something that I know I can help win at.
I've had like 30 other random thought tangents that I could have gone on whilst writing that last paragraph.
Jennifer
Work
Playing little league baseball
Playing little league football
Buddy Gouche
Dog Jasmine
Work tomorrow night
Folding Laundry
Listening to newly acquired (already heard most of them) CD's
Wishing I didn't have to go to work tomorrow
Heading to New York
Playing a CD
Well, I guess that I'll call it good for tonight. I'm sure at one point or another I will elaborate on all the thoughts that I just had. Got to go to bed now.
No title
Well, this is my first entry. I've chosen the "Times" font, because it reminds me of my best friend Tyrel. Who is actually the person who has indirectly convinced me to start one of these things. I don't think that I'm going to tell anyone that I've started writing on here, because it will a) probably get me into some undesireable situations, and b) I would like it to be somewhat anonymous. I know that probably it will find it's way into the wrong (or right in some unforseeable circumstances) eyes.
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