You'll never be lonely if you can just learn to stand yourself.

I haven't had this feeling in my stomach in a while. The last time I did, it was over the same girl. I started the morning out feeling like I somewhat knew what I wanted. I was building a revival of a relationship up in my head, and the naivity of a perfect resolution misled me. Rather it misled my heart. I can really only remember two other times feeling this way. The other was in the 5th grade when my girlfriend at the time cheated on me. The other was when the girl I dated last decided to end our exclusive relationship for an "open" one. I guess it was the competitive nature of my soul that really did me in. I still love her dearly. I know that I always will.

Jennifer's birthday was today, and we've been broken up for about 3 months now. It was easy up until about a week ago. Actually I guess a little less than that. I've been staying extremely busy, barely having time to take care of anything. That's really kept my mind off of things, but the reality of the situation has really hit hard this morning. I was going to go work out, you know, for my physical health, but what are we without our mental health. So, I decided to write about it all, in hopes of it making me feel better. My stomach is still in knots right now.

Anyway, her birthday is today. I have to work tonight, otherwise I was going to take her out to dinner to celebrate. I decided to take her out tomorrow night instead. I went to her desk over the weekend and put post-it notes all over her desk, just telling her happy birthday. I just didn't want her to feel like I didn't remember. It was more than that to me though. The more and more I thought about it, the more I wanted her to be happy, and was hoping that I could bring even the smallest smile to her beautiful face. I haven't told her how gorgeous she is in a long time. We had a rough time during our last few months together. I became more and more distant I suppose. I guess it was because I wanted some autonomy. Well, I got that. However, at the end of the day, and at the end of all these activities, I still want to share them with her.

I was telling her something to this effect this morning, and she said that the someone I wanted to share these moments with was not her. I made the mistake of thinking that I couldn't ever be truly happy with her.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to this morning. I went out and got her some small presents yesterday morning, because I wanted to leave them at her desk when she got there today. I got her a dvd and some chocolate hugs and kisses. The kisses had peanut butter in them, her favorite. Then, I went and bought her breakfast after I got off of work this morning to take to her, because she gets around about the time I get off. Well, when I walked into her apartment, I noticed some empty beer bottles. She doesn't drink beer. I asked her about them, and she said that a guy had been over there. This is when the sickening feeling in my stomach came out. I hate that feeling. Disappointment to the nth degree. I really wanted to leave right then, but she wouldn't let me without explaining how I was feeling. I automatically assumed she was having sex with this guy. I guess it's just jealousy, but it hurts really bad to think that she is with someone else. I know that I don't have any right to be upset about it, but I am. We're not together, so she didn't do anything wrong. That doesn't help the sting, or stomach pains that I'm feeling right at this very moment.

Sex was a big issue for us. We sort of stopped having sex about 3 months before we broke up. I had a really bad habit of watching internet porn and masturbating. I think that this severely damaged our relationship. Actually I know it did. She found out, while she was looking at my computer. I know that it hurt her very badly, because she felt like it was something that was wrong with her, but it wasn't her at all. It was me. I have a very addictive personality. That was one thing, and alcohol was certainly another. Both were poisons for our relationship, and will continue to poison any relationship that I will ever be in. I see that, and I need to stop them both. I've tried, and have not been able to. I was certainly better at stopping with her as my motivation.

I used to get annoyed with her when she would bring these things up. I'm so stupid. I know that she wasn't trying to change me, just so I would be more in love her, she was trying to change me because she loves me, and doesn't want me to hurt myself. I'm just a selfish, spoiled person, and typically only think of myself. I want to feel good all of the time. Even if it's at the expense of others feelings. I hate that about myself. I don't feel good right now.

I was picking the weeds out of my shrubbery bed on Friday night, and really wanted to call her, to see if she wanted to help, but I didn't want to seem like I was just patronizing her. So I didn't call her. Then when I went inside, I was feeling like I just wanted to sit around and watch a few movies because I had to go to work in the morning. It was at that moment that I wished that I still had her in my life. We always had a great time just laying around watching movies together. We always had a great time doing a lot of things. Unless we were fighting, which is typical of any couple I suppose.

I'm pretty sure that I've fucked all of it for me, and that I've probably sent her too far away to ever hope of getting her back. She understood me, and understood my problems. She loved me for who I was. I love her for who she is. We complement each other very well.

She's thinking of moving away. She's actually set some wheels in motion to do that very thing. I don't want her to go. I don't know if I'll find anyone that I could be as happy with. I told her the exact opposite of this a few months ago. That I felt like we would never get married, and that's why I wanted to break it off, but I think that I just needed a wake up call. I think I got that call this morning and over the past few days. How can you be so hurt by something, and not be deeply in love? It's still hurting right now. I don't want her to be with anyone else. I don't want her to share any of her love with anyone else but me and Ali.

I guess it says something about my personality, but I haven't felt this lonely in my whole life. I don't know how to express how empty I'm feeling right now. I just wish that I could convince her to give me one more chance. I haven't ever cheated on her, or anything like that. I did however tell her that I didn't think that it would work out in the long run. I think that's bullshit now. I need her. I love everything about her. I love the way that she cares about me, and how she wants me to be happy. I love the way that she looks at me. I love the way that I feel when we're together. I love how she wanted to spend all of her vacations with me. I was retarded, absolutely retarded to not want to go to the Bahamas with her. I would go right now if I could. I don't ever want her to go on a vacation without me again. I don't think that I could be happy with anyone else. I don't want to even try. How can I do this? How can I convince her that I now think that we could be happy together? If she would give me just one more chance, I think that she would see that I love her dearly, and don't ever want to be apart again. Ideally, things would work out, and I could use this feeling in my stomach as a learning experience. I would have learned that I AM in love with her, and I don't ever want to feel this way again. I want all of her love to come to me. I want to shower her with affection and my love. I know we were very happy once, and I think that we could be again. Oh, if she would give me just one more chance. Please. I will never watch another second of internet porn. I will save myself for her, and her alone. I would move to wherever she wanted to go. I could find a job, I'm sure of that. I would rather live in a smaller town, but I know that she wants to live in a city. That's fine. I'm willing to do that. I would take every piece of constructive criticism that she had for me, and happily abide. I will give her back massages whenever she wanted them. I would wash her car for her, and wipe all of the water spots off of her wheels. I would set up a special vacation fund so that I would be sure to have enough money to take her somewhere SHE wanted to go. I would help her with anything she ever needed. I would tell her she looks beautiful every chance I got. I would hold her hand ALL the time, and open her door for her every time we got in the car. I would go shopping with her, and help her pick out cute outfits, and swim suits. I would buy her lingerie and admire her beautiful body when she wore them. I would do all of things that I took for granted when I had her. I would share my thoughts with her. I would not keep any secrets. I would tell her how gorgeous she was when she wore her hair up. I would never drink to excess ever again. I would never neglect her when all of my friends were around. I would never take anything for granted. I would talk to her family when we went and visited, and not just watch TV. I would help her cook dinner, and not just go into the other room and watch TV. I would let her listen to the type of music that she liked. I would give her dog a bath when she asked me too, and brush his hair. I would read books on relationships. I would play dirty darts every night. I would never yell at her when we were having a fight. I would have fights and talk things out, instead of just clamming up. I would share every emotion that I have with her. I will go to Club 609 whenever we were in Joplin. I would look at her like she was a present that I just couldn't wait to open. I would go home with her for Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and her sister's graduation. I would train for a 5k. I would get a bike, so that we could take rides on warm days. I would water my flowers, or our flowers.

I feel a little better about the situation now, knowing that I have some sort of direction now. I have just sort of been floating around without her, lost. Now I'm found. This morning was my wake up call. Take care of us. That's what I need to do. I can't fill this void with anything except her. There's not anything or anyone that can make me feel the way that she does.

I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I can say that the pain I'm feeling right this second will be 100 fold if it doesn't work out for us.

I'm sorry for taking you for granted when I had you. Now that I don't, I realize what a horrible mistake that was. I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy. I want US to be happy together. I hope that I can convey this message to you when I see you tomorrow night. I hope that you can see that I've made a terrible mistake. I'm really scared right now. I'm scared that I've already pushed you too far away. I'm scared that we won't resolve this, and you'll move away, and I'll always wonder what could have been. I'm sorry that there were times that I made you cry. I wish like hell I could take all of those times back. I wish like hell that I'd realized then how happy I was.

I hope that you'll hear me with an open heart, and open mind. I hope that I can show you how much I really truly deeply love you. There's always going to be a place for you in my heart. It's empty right now. My heart is in pieces without you. I hate that I can't ever express how I'm feeling in person. I always lock up. I hope I don't lock up when we get to talk about it tomorrow night. I hope it's not too late to pick up where we left off, and take our relationship to a level that neither of us have been before. I want to explore that uncharted territory with you. I want it to be new and exciting for both us.

I'm starting to feel better now. I can't wait to see you, and hug you, and kiss you, and tell you how special you are to me. I can't wait to look into your eyes like I used to, your big brown beautiful eyes. I will never take your eyes for granted ever again. Every time I look into them, I feel like I'm completed. God, it felt so good to give you a hug this morning. It felt like coming home.